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Archive for October, 2018

Taking your most recent fight to your couple therapist is probably one of the least likely ways to get much of anything from couple therapy. The therapist is not there to be a judge and decide who is right in your struggles. The therapist is there to teach you new skills so you can both get the relationship you want.

You need to set goals for what you want your relationship to be and learn the skills to get it there. So many people come in to a  couple session and want the therapist to “fix” their partner. In fact, you need to look at what needs changing in yourself, and if both partners  will do this, real growth and change can occur.  You need to be willing to look at yourself and what you learned about relationships and love from your family of origin and see how that is getting in your way in your current love relationship.  All of this takes time, dedication, a willingness to take risks, and often, frankly, a touch of humility.

If you are up for all of this, you could really improve your relationship.  There are very specific skills involved in improving an intimate relationship, and for some people they aren’t  easy to learn. You will grow personally in couple therapy much as you would if you were in individual therapy. If you are interested in how you contribute to the struggles you have with your partner,  you could  gain  a lot and grow a lot and have a much more loving , close and satisfying relationship –  through couple therapy.

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That’s a very important question – in that it could be devestating to a client to be “fired” by his/her therapist. It’s tantamount to having your parent dis-own you, because of the transference.

After close to 40 years of doing therapy in private practice I think I have told a client I couldn’t keep working with them 3 times: once, the client was refusing to engage with therapy and only wanted to “use me “ much the way he used prostitutes – to feel better emotionally – and refused to have even have an area he wanted to improve himself about and ‘work on’. Another time it was very similiar with a woman, and a third time I was seeing a man for the first time and intuitively felt in danger being alone with him in my office. I later heard he had attacked a female nurse in a hospital situation. In the first two examples I considered what I was doing to be therapeutic – in that the impact of having me refuse to continue seeing these people was my *final* BIG statement to them about the importance of dealing with their behavior.

All of which is to say – if you take someone on as a patient and you are not legitimately over your head with them – you have a moral obligation to them to work with them. It’s really OK to admit to a client that you don’t know how to help them and refer them to someone you think can help them. So yes, I think some therapists probably do give up on clients. Hopefully not often. It’s important for therapists to learn how to “size up” clients who show up at their door and decide if they want to work with this person or not.

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When you are ready to go it on your own, and you don’t want to keep going to see your therapist. You don’t have to be ‘completely done ‘ with therapy -you will learn and grow living your life without therapy too, and it is often very useful to do therapy in “chunks.” By that I mean , do a “chunk’ of time with a therapist and then leave and live on your own, when a need arises that is obvious to you, go back and do another “ chunk.”

I often suggest a few options to people that aren’t sure they are ready to leave : they can space out a few appointments to get a feel for what that is like, they can make an appointment a month or two into the future, knowing they could always call and get back in if needed, or they can say good bye for now, and know I will be there and they can always call. Often leaving therapy feels a bit like leaving home, and it’s important to know you can always come back, stop in for a little visit ( and support) or whatever feels right to you.

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