Comments for Ann Veilleux

Comment on What questons would you like answered on the Blog? by Judie Stevens

Judie Stevens — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 00:26:52 +0000

I don’t see a lot in your blogs about narcissism. I’m married to one of those. I could not understand the verbal and emotional abuse, and called him out on it when he did it…but, when I got to research it, the term Narcissist or Narcissism kept coming up. I studied that for a while, and my husband could be the poster child for it! Seven years so far…and he is better about his behavior, because I told him I know what he does. I’ll tell him, “Honey, that’s your narcissism talking again.” When he comes in drunk at night (every night), and begins to rage, or begins the devaluation process, I tell him things like, “We’ll discuss it in the morning when you haven’t been drinking.” When he rages, I just walk out on him, or tell him, “I have to check on the meatloaf.” And, I leave the room. I’ve come back 15 or 20 minutes later, and he’s in bed, back to me facing the wall, STILL talking / raging. Yes, he suffered abuse as a child. He is a somatic narcissist. You can imagine what I go through at night with him, and you can also figure out that he cheats. He is awful about hiding it, but very good at denying it! New clothes, (we did not go together and buy them), clothes kept in the car, toiletries kept in the car, erases phone numbers, watches porn, slams the laptop when I enter the room, etc. Talks about taking the women at work to lunch, and buying them cards and gifts for holidays (Valentine’s Day, or Christmas, etc.) And brings home gifts they gave him, but he lies about it. He lies, and lies, and lies, and denies, and twists around everything I say – then tells me I twist things. I am not the substance abuser – he is (because of his fear of “meeting” his real, or true self, and having to run into himself as he really is. I’ve suggested counseling, and you know how far that gets with a narcissist. Even the therapist can’t trust a word out of his mouth! I’ve already tried to confide in a friend, who is a minister, and a lawyer, and engineer – who works with him – for 24 years now. She tells me I’m all wrong about him. She tells me I’m too rough on him and on myself. She thinks I’m imagining things. Yes, even your friends and closest family members think you are nuts when you try and tell them the things this guy does at home…180 degrees different than the guy they see from 9 to 5 every day. They don’t know the drunk, the abuser, the gaslighting that goes on, the attacks he tries on my self-esteem. But, by learning about this 5 years ago…I’m trying not to get tied up in his trap – bringing me into his web of deceit and abuse. I’m college educated, very sick (died 4 times in 2008,) but most of that is under control right now. I’m researching Narcissism and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), and the other disorders which characteristics he exhibits: Histrionic, Borderline, and AntiSocial – and he admits he is OCD (obsessive compulsive). I have volumes and volumes of information about all of this, and I journal every day. I have 3-ring binders FULL of information, but cannot get it all in this post. Family doesn’t help (or believe me) because I can’t have close friends, and family is 100 mi. away – I see them once a year at Christmas. The DSM finally picked up on this in the 1980s, but the psychological community seems to avoid it like the proverbial plague! I’ve downloaded every book you can get on personality disorders, and narcissism in particular for my Kindle, and I take notes from them all. They all say the same thing, so why is there no more progress being made for people like him who are affected, and folks like me who put up with these guys. (But, being aware of the pitfalls of stayinjg with a narcissist, I have to intentionally fight and work at not becoming what he is…a very real problem with those close to Narcissists.) I am 62, he is 65. The way I feel about it is I am old and sick, with no place else to go and no real reason to go anywhere. He knows I won’t put up with his “stuff” and he has a “man cave” out behind the house with his TV, computer, beer cooler, and Lazy Boy so he can just sleep out there when he is “punishing” me, etc., and he stays there 24/7, unless he needs to sleep, or shower. The “silent treatment” is a constant reminder that he is still here, but not willing to communicate – he feels he is punishing me again. I’m literally alone in this house. Even with him in bed with me, I’m alone (I’m just an object, you see.) But, with narcissists, distance is the balm that soothes most of the wounds – and even though we share the same zip code, we aren’t “together” – he doesn’t really know who I am. He can’t tell you my favorite flower; the color of my eyes; my favorite singer; the names of my brothers and sisters – but, he can tell me everything there is to know about a woman at work half his age that he has been seeing, and trying to hide from me for the past 3 years!! I hear about Nicki is this, and Nicki is that, and she has kids, and she’s a single mom, and she’s….on and on…ad nauseum. So, with other women (and men) who are dealing with people like this, why is there no more said about it or done about it to help these people? I can go to counseling, and I will – to learn how to cope in spite of him, but, even if I left, he’d be stuck with his problem, and no one who would care to help him get better, and enjoy the last half of our lives together! He is going to retire this year…what the devil do I do with him then?! Seriously, I want to help, but all I see out there is “what is wrong, what it means to be a narcissist.” No one seems to have any really good answers! Are you going to be addressing this subject? The subject of narcissism and the other personality disorders which exist comorbidly with it? I would sincerely be interested in learning whatever I can to help this man! He’s worth it, but even HE doesn’t know that!

Thanks,
Judie

Comment on How to Choose the Right Therapist by Ann

Ann — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 15:37:55 +0000

Jen, I understand what you are saying, and I offer a free half hour in an attempt to lessen the financial stress of “shopping around.” At the 30 minute point you can leave and not owe me anything. You also have the option of staying the full 60 minutes, and in that case you do owe me for the whole session. The therapist that got “extremely aggressive” with you probably had their own issues stimulated and didn’t keep that to herself/himself as is the therapist’s job.

Contacting the therapist who was aggressive with you and telling them why you are not coming back might be empowering for you, and would be good for the therapist to hear. You can tell the therapist you do or do not wish to be contacted in response. You could email, write a letter, or leave a message. Feeling empowered could give you the energy to keep looking! Good luck!

Comment on How to Choose the Right Therapist by Jen

Jen — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 15:11:16 +0000

I believe that finding a therapist is the hardist part…and really may be what discourages people the most. I have been to two and the first was a poor fit from the first session; the second I thought was a good fit until the third session when she became extremely aggressive and I left more anxiousand sad than I was when I had arrived.

It becomes hard to “shop” around as it is financially stressful to do so and I think that may be why some people (well why I) feel almost powerless to get the help they need to work through their depression and anxiety. And to be honest ( I know it sounds lazy) the effort is almost too overwhelming to seek out a new therapist when you have already had a negative experience.

I think making calls and doing interviews is a great idea, summoning the energy, the strength, and the ambition…well, like I said, I know it sounds lazy.

Comment on Types of Depression by Elaine

Elaine — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 19:03:26 +0000

Hi,
Since last writing to you, I have had good days and bad days. When I seem to get one health issue solved or modified, I feel some relief until the issue returns and I start to stress about it all over again. Lately, due to my personal situational concerns, I am coping less admirably. I am stressed, anxious, sleeping poorly, and I cry far too easily. I don’t have much interest in holiday preps, so that means they become tasks that I can’t imagine finding the desire/energy to get done. With each day comes something new that I find hard to address, but also I feel better when I can cross things off my lists or find that answer that I was sure would never come. It’s been a lot of ups and downs. However, lately, I wonder why I can’t just accept that I’m fine and I will feel better soon enough. I hate to admit that I am worrying my kids (but I am), and I don’t want to do that. They live out of state, and I think that is a huge part of why I don’t cope well. I love it when they are home, but that is rare and even thinking about them leaving again is a huge hurdle and I don’t handle it well emotionally. I’m sure they are feeling guilty that they can’t stay longer or find ways to make me feel better about the status quo. Ok…so this is rambling. I would go to a therapist tomorrow but my new insurance doesn’t offer ANY mental health coverage. I can’t afford to pay out of pocket for the kind of help that I need. I intend to talk it over with my primary care doctor this week, but like so many have said, will that person know the right approach or meds? Thanks for reading. I don’t assume that I am alone with these issues. And yet, I really want to do better!!

Sincerely,
Elaine

Comment on Types of Depression by Ann

Ann — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 03:45:36 +0000

Paula,

Yes, I definitely think you should go to a psychiatrist. First of all, general practitioners haven’t been trained in prescribing psychotropic medications and chronically under prescribe the dose as well as not know enough to make the best choice of medication. You should see a specialist who has trained specifically in the field and keeps up on the latest drugs. Ask around and try to go to the best one you can find; like in every profession, not all psychiatrists are equally skilled.

It also sounds like seeing a therapist to help you cope with all the difficult changes that have come up recently. Talk therapy along with the right medication is the best way to overcome depression. If you are interested in holistic medicine, acupuncture and homeopathy can also be very useful and can be used along with the medication. Since financial concerns are also a problem, if you have to choose, go with what you have started with, the medications, and find a good therapist. You might check out my brief article on Finding The Right Therapist.

Best of Luck to you!
Ann

Comment on Types of Depression by Paula

Paula — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 03:16:10 +0000

I suffer from major depression and generally my medication brings my symptoms to a managable point. However, over the course of the last 3 years it has gotten to where the medication doesn’t really do much for me any more. There have been major life changes over that period; loss of job, move to a new state, elderly inlaws moved in with us, financial difficulties, and problems with my two boys. I know that the continual “craptastrophies” in my life over the last three years have attributed greatly to where I am in my depression.

I have spoken with my general practitioner regarding upping my medication or altering it, but that is met with reluctance. I am told to get out of the house more often, go for a walk, etc. I don’t feel like going out of doors and I certainly don’t want to deal with meeting anyone. Honestly, I never feel like my G.P. understands, or “gets” what I’m telling her. Would I be better served seeking the assistance of a psychiatrist? I cannot tell you how tired I am of being in this rut and I certainly do not want this to affect my children.

Comment on Types of Depression by Ann

Ann — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 17:51:57 +0000

The best light boxes I know of are made by The Light Box Company in Gaithersburg, Maryland.

The guy who does SAD experiments and research at NIH uses these light boxes, so I know they are safe for the eye. I have used them myself for years. The Light Box Co. also has a help line, can answer questions about the correct use of their light boxes and they are very knowledgeable. They also carry his books, which include an easy self test to determine for sure if you have SAD.

A good therapist can help you be sure you are in the situation depression group and would not be helped by medication. You can also read Beyond Prozac for life style changes, like aerobic exercise everyday that will help no matter what kind of depression you have.

If you decide a therapist would help, let me know if you would like to meet with me.

Good luck!
Ann

Comment on Types of Depression by Elaine

Elaine — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 16:20:56 +0000

Hi,
I am trying to narrow down the reasons why I am a bit lethargic and tense. I believe I’m in the “situational” depression group. However, I also think I suffer from SAD and am wondering where I can find an affordable but good light box. I am in Madison. Thanks for your help. I will be looking to this site for future observations and encouragement.

Elaine

Comment on Types of Depression by Ann

Ann — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 14:06:05 +0000

I agree with you that repeating the pattern is detrimental , and that working with the right therapist for you (see my article Choosing The Right Therapist on this web site) could make a huge difference in your life. I do wonder if clinical depression is part of what is happening to you, and would definitely advise you to have that addressed.

You don’t say what country you are living in, and if you have tried seeing a therapist where you are. If that isn’t the right move and you need to return to your own culture, you could find another city besides Madison to live in. Another option would be to come back to Madison and not visit your family of origin until that would be good for you.

There are lots of reasons why people sabotage themselves. I support you in realizing that you need to get on with understanding what that is for you and overcoming it. I wish you the best in your travels inward! If you decide to come back to Madison and would like to contact me for therapy, I would be happy to meet with you and see if we would be a good team for you. There are many good therapists across the country. You might want to read my short article on this web site called “How To Choose The Right Therapist.” Again, my best to you. Ann

Comment on Types of Depression by Ani

Ani — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 04:27:31 +0000

I’ve struggled with self-esteem and self-worth issues since I was a teenager and have continuously suffered from depression – sometimes mild, sometimes not. After college I left the States to “find myself” and “become stronger” and in some ways I’ve done that. I came to understand myself more deeply and even felt genuine happiness and empowerment for the first time in my life. However, as I got ambitious and trials surfaced so did my doubts and insecurities once again. Now I feel like I’m broken – a splintered soul. I keep reaching up but at some point things always break down and I sabotage myself and my progress; I fall back into destructive habits and patterns such as overeating. A couple of months ago I faced a crisis in which all of this became clear to me and I felt that all the progress I thought I’d made in regards to my issues was a lie and that in reality I’d gone nowhere. I despaired and I got up again, made myself better, but just a few months later and already I’m back at that pit, tinkering at the edge of hopelessness and despair. And this time I’m scared to move forward because every time that I do and then sabotage myself it hurts even more when I end up back here. I feel more and more frustrated with myself and lose a little more hope every time. Another fear is that if I start to feel better I might think I’m ok when really I know I’ll just do something else to end back here so I want no illusions. I have to face this. I have to heal. But I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to go home (to Madison) and just take time to heal and get help (though I’m afraid because my home environment isn’t the best and the source of some of my problems), and another thinks all I can do is keep living which I enjoy doing here (but with the fear that I can’t heal while doing this since I seem to just be getting in my way every time I’m happy or there is a potential for me to get the things I want).

So I’m stuck. And some moments I can stand it but others I drown in it. I don’t want to drown and completely lose myself. I want to make the decision that will ultimately make me better and will help me heal/overcome/succeed.

I know this is long and I apologize, but if you have any advice I would appreciate it. Since I’m considering going home I was looking into therapists in the Madison area and that’s how I came across your website.

Thank you.