You know it is almost impossible to get any information on this subject from the internet. All you see are hundreds of how to get out of abusive relationships, and signs, symptoms etc. I wish there were more on how people can get back into a relationship. How to make a relationship work with someone new after abuse, and make a good relationship grow wtih trust, love, and partnership. It seems almost a diservice to the men and women that were hurt to not have that type of thing available for the people who cant afford therapy, or have the time because they are just trying to make ends meet. When your picking up the peices, you dont have time, you dont have funds, your are trying to rebuild from scratch on everything, from what I have seen. If for no other reason there should be help online, just to give them hope and know that it can be done.

Thank you and take care Ann
Matt

You are saying, I think, that her abuse occurred in her past marriage. People who take abuse in their marriages often have been also abused in their childhood, whether they remember it or have repressed it. Either way, you need to expect the therapy will take some time. If she was abused as a child the therapy make take a few years. Her fear that you would kick her out doesn’t have to have anything to do with you at all. Trauma sets people up to continue to have fears left over from the trauma in the past that they feel in the present. Even if totally irrational in the present, these fears can be very powerful. Good therapy should help her resolve the past so she doesn’t have to repeat those feelings from the past in her present life.

I have no way of knowing if your fears of her not wanting you and that you are at fault here are at all true. They may not be, as she is telling you. Your blaming yourself could be your own insecurities coming up – which would make you more needy of her “direction” and re assurance. Your needing her interferes with your ability to see her as she is, and it might be smart for you to see a professional for a little while also. What she is saying about not being able to make a commitment to you right now and needing to fix herself first makes sense; she is describing what she is doing and why. You can ask her if she wants you to help pay for her therapy, although that might imply a commitment to the future to her, and not be right for her at all.

As for being her friend, that would mean being sensitive to what she needs from you: listening when she wants to talk, asking her if she would prefer to be the one that contacts you rather than you calling her, or if she likes you checking in on her, etc. Continue to ask her for what kind/amount of connection she wants with you, it may change. Take care of your own insecurity about her on your own.

I hope your email address is a joke that suits your age group and not a comment about your behavior with alcohol. Frequently people joke about drinking to reassure themselves that drinking is just a fun thing to do, while they are actually over using. It wouldn’t be good for you or her if you get addicted.

I hope this has been useful. My best to you.
Ann

I currently or was dating a woman that was divorced because of major abuse on all levels. It sickens me to think someone could do this to such a wonderful woman. I fell head over heals for her, and the only problems that ever came up have always stemmed from her past abuse memories coming up and it sucks.

I mam, sir, have never been associated with this type of relationship or up bringing. To be honest it scares the hell out of me the memories that must come up for her. We were to the point of moving in together and I thought we were going to get married. It all seemed so right until…
She got scared because she worried that she would have no place to go if I were to kick her out!! I am trying to marry this woman, I wouldnt kick her out!! She told me she knows I would never do this to her or hurt her, but she cant put it behind her. She has started professional counseling I am told. I was told by her she just had to “fix herself, and she couldnt be committed to me right now” I fear that she either cant afford to go, or will not finish her counseling. I am forced to stand back and be a friend. With this brings me great sadness, although I support her needs. I have started to blame myself for things going wrong because I feel I must not be good enough that she would know that I wouldnt ever hurt her in anyway. I have been with her for two years. I dont know what my role is in support, she has been very vague. She tells me she still loves me but has to fix herself first. I dont know how long, if she is just trying to let me down easy and says it to avoid an imagined conflict etc.. I cant find any help in this matter and I dont want to lose a woman I feel I could and want to grow old with and share my life with. What does a man do in such a situation. I cant find any help on this matter, I feel helpless, and heartbroke to say the least. THis has made me feel not good enough for her or that I mustve done something wrong although she tells me no. I dont know if I should stay or go. I dont want to push her, but I need answers so that I can be comfortable waiting, or know that I am being told in code of sorts that I am no longer desired.
Can you offer me any insight. Her abuses included, physical, emotional and sexual from what I was told. She shared a diary with me from her past one time. I know this stuff happened to her, and I dont want to lose her or be perceived as being controlling because I need some direction from her.
Please help me if you can
THank you in advance
Matt