Ann Veilleux

Posted in New | 4 Comments

4 Responses

1. on March 30, 2010 at 8:30 pm | Reply Matt

   To whoever can help me to understand….

   I currently or was dating a woman that was divorced because of major abuse on all levels. It sickens me to think someone could do this to such a wonderful woman. I fell head over heals for her, and the only problems that ever came up have always stemmed from her past abuse memories coming up and it sucks.

   I mam, sir, have never been associated with this type of relationship or up bringing. To be honest it scares the hell out of me the memories that must come up for her. We were to the point of moving in together and I thought we were going to get married. It all seemed so right until…
   She got scared because she worried that she would have no place to go if I were to kick her out!! I am trying to marry this woman, I wouldnt kick her out!! She told me she knows I would never do this to her or hurt her, but she cant put it behind her. She has started professional counseling I am told. I was told by her she just had to “fix herself, and she couldnt be committed to me right now” I fear that she either cant afford to go, or will not finish her counseling. I am forced to stand back and be a friend. With this brings me great sadness, although I support her needs. I have started to blame myself for things going wrong because I feel I must not be good enough that she would know that I wouldnt ever hurt her in anyway. I have been with her for two years. I dont know what my role is in support, she has been very vague. She tells me she still loves me but has to fix herself first. I dont know how long, if she is just trying to let me down easy and says it to avoid an imagined conflict etc.. I cant find any help in this matter and I dont want to lose a woman I feel I could and want to grow old with and share my life with. What does a man do in such a situation. I cant find any help on this matter, I feel helpless, and heartbroke to say the least. THis has made me feel not good enough for her or that I mustve done something wrong although she tells me no. I dont know if I should stay or go. I dont want to push her, but I need answers so that I can be comfortable waiting, or know that I am being told in code of sorts that I am no longer desired.
   Can you offer me any insight. Her abuses included, physical, emotional and sexual from what I was told. She shared a diary with me from her past one time. I know this stuff happened to her, and I dont want to lose her or be perceived as being controlling because I need some direction from her.
   Please help me if you can
   THank you in advance
   Matt

   
   
   • on March 31, 2010 at 9:31 am | Reply Ann

     Hi Matt,

     You are saying, I think, that her abuse occurred in her past marriage. People who take abuse in their marriages often have been also abused in their childhood, whether they remember it or have repressed it. Either way, you need to expect the therapy will take some time. If she was abused as a child the therapy make take a few years. Her fear that you would kick her out doesn’t have to have anything to do with you at all. Trauma sets people up to continue to have fears left over from the trauma in the past that they feel in the present. Even if totally irrational in the present, these fears can be very powerful. Good therapy should help her resolve the past so she doesn’t have to repeat those feelings from the past in her present life.

     I have no way of knowing if your fears of her not wanting you and that you are at fault here are at all true. They may not be, as she is telling you. Your blaming yourself could be your own insecurities coming up – which would make you more needy of her “direction” and re assurance. Your needing her interferes with your ability to see her as she is, and it might be smart for you to see a professional for a little while also. What she is saying about not being able to make a commitment to you right now and needing to fix herself first makes sense; she is describing what she is doing and why. You can ask her if she wants you to help pay for her therapy, although that might imply a commitment to the future to her, and not be right for her at all.

     As for being her friend, that would mean being sensitive to what she needs from you: listening when she wants to talk, asking her if she would prefer to be the one that contacts you rather than you calling her, or if she likes you checking in on her, etc. Continue to ask her for what kind/amount of connection she wants with you, it may change. Take care of your own insecurity about her on your own.

     I hope your email address is a joke that suits your age group and not a comment about your behavior with alcohol. Frequently people joke about drinking to reassure themselves that drinking is just a fun thing to do, while they are actually over using. It wouldn’t be good for you or her if you get addicted.

     I hope this has been useful. My best to you.
     Ann

     
     
2. on March 31, 2010 at 12:13 pm | Reply Matt

   Well I appreciate your help and thoughts. I do have my own securities, and I know in some ways I depend upon others to help me through them instead of helping myself. This is what I am seeking help in on my own during her away time for myself and her. I know its the right thing to do for myself her and the kids involved. I might sound like I know what I am doing by doing this, but Im lost, fearful that I will fail and still heartbroken. I’m just overwhelmed myself on a lot of levels, and her loss unfortunately added to it ten fold in my mind. I know her abuse came from a marriage primarily and that I was the next person to be involved with her so I guess in away, I became the test dummy. She says she loves and still cares about me, and I have to just either accept that for truth and that it will take a lot of time. Im so impatient right now, I dont like that I feel this need to have her back that I dwell on. I just instantly get reattached when I here her voice, get a message etc. I appreciate the friendship I have with her and dont want to lose that, if I do, its all for not. I thank you for your advice on how to be a friend to her. I didnt get much clarity on that from her, its like she wants me there sometimes and doesnt the next. I guess she is confused. It makes me feel good and bad respectively. Thats another thing I need to address that insecurity issue. So thats why I to am in therapy.
   As for the email address, you nailed it. It was one from when I was 13 years younger and did drink a lot to forget things. Thought it was funny at the time and I was justifying it. Now I keep it as a reminder of what didnt work and fix the problems I had, it just masked them.
   Thank you for your time and advice. It means a lot.

   You know it is almost impossible to get any information on this subject from the internet. All you see are hundreds of how to get out of abusive relationships, and signs, symptoms etc. I wish there were more on how people can get back into a relationship. How to make a relationship work with someone new after abuse, and make a good relationship grow wtih trust, love, and partnership. It seems almost a diservice to the men and women that were hurt to not have that type of thing available for the people who cant afford therapy, or have the time because they are just trying to make ends meet. When your picking up the peices, you dont have time, you dont have funds, your are trying to rebuild from scratch on everything, from what I have seen. If for no other reason there should be help online, just to give them hope and know that it can be done.

   Thank you and take care Ann
   Matt

   
   
3. on March 4, 2012 at 7:26 pm | Reply Judie Stevens

   I don’t see a lot in your blogs about narcissism. I’m married to one of those. I could not understand the verbal and emotional abuse, and called him out on it when he did it…but, when I got to research it, the term Narcissist or Narcissism kept coming up. I studied that for a while, and my husband could be the poster child for it! Seven years so far…and he is better about his behavior, because I told him I know what he does. I’ll tell him, “Honey, that’s your narcissism talking again.” When he comes in drunk at night (every night), and begins to rage, or begins the devaluation process, I tell him things like, “We’ll discuss it in the morning when you haven’t been drinking.” When he rages, I just walk out on him, or tell him, “I have to check on the meatloaf.” And, I leave the room. I’ve come back 15 or 20 minutes later, and he’s in bed, back to me facing the wall, STILL talking / raging. Yes, he suffered abuse as a child. He is a somatic narcissist. You can imagine what I go through at night with him, and you can also figure out that he cheats. He is awful about hiding it, but very good at denying it! New clothes, (we did not go together and buy them), clothes kept in the car, toiletries kept in the car, erases phone numbers, watches porn, slams the laptop when I enter the room, etc. Talks about taking the women at work to lunch, and buying them cards and gifts for holidays (Valentine’s Day, or Christmas, etc.) And brings home gifts they gave him, but he lies about it. He lies, and lies, and lies, and denies, and twists around everything I say – then tells me I twist things. I am not the substance abuser – he is (because of his fear of “meeting” his real, or true self, and having to run into himself as he really is. I’ve suggested counseling, and you know how far that gets with a narcissist. Even the therapist can’t trust a word out of his mouth! I’ve already tried to confide in a friend, who is a minister, and a lawyer, and engineer – who works with him – for 24 years now. She tells me I’m all wrong about him. She tells me I’m too rough on him and on myself. She thinks I’m imagining things. Yes, even your friends and closest family members think you are nuts when you try and tell them the things this guy does at home…180 degrees different than the guy they see from 9 to 5 every day. They don’t know the drunk, the abuser, the gaslighting that goes on, the attacks he tries on my self-esteem. But, by learning about this 5 years ago…I’m trying not to get tied up in his trap – bringing me into his web of deceit and abuse. I’m college educated, very sick (died 4 times in 2008,) but most of that is under control right now. I’m researching Narcissism and NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), and the other disorders which characteristics he exhibits: Histrionic, Borderline, and AntiSocial – and he admits he is OCD (obsessive compulsive). I have volumes and volumes of information about all of this, and I journal every day. I have 3-ring binders FULL of information, but cannot get it all in this post. Family doesn’t help (or believe me) because I can’t have close friends, and family is 100 mi. away – I see them once a year at Christmas. The DSM finally picked up on this in the 1980s, but the psychological community seems to avoid it like the proverbial plague! I’ve downloaded every book you can get on personality disorders, and narcissism in particular for my Kindle, and I take notes from them all. They all say the same thing, so why is there no more progress being made for people like him who are affected, and folks like me who put up with these guys. (But, being aware of the pitfalls of stayinjg with a narcissist, I have to intentionally fight and work at not becoming what he is…a very real problem with those close to Narcissists.) I am 62, he is 65. The way I feel about it is I am old and sick, with no place else to go and no real reason to go anywhere. He knows I won’t put up with his “stuff” and he has a “man cave” out behind the house with his TV, computer, beer cooler, and Lazy Boy so he can just sleep out there when he is “punishing” me, etc., and he stays there 24/7, unless he needs to sleep, or shower. The “silent treatment” is a constant reminder that he is still here, but not willing to communicate – he feels he is punishing me again. I’m literally alone in this house. Even with him in bed with me, I’m alone (I’m just an object, you see.) But, with narcissists, distance is the balm that soothes most of the wounds – and even though we share the same zip code, we aren’t “together” – he doesn’t really know who I am. He can’t tell you my favorite flower; the color of my eyes; my favorite singer; the names of my brothers and sisters – but, he can tell me everything there is to know about a woman at work half his age that he has been seeing, and trying to hide from me for the past 3 years!! I hear about Nicki is this, and Nicki is that, and she has kids, and she’s a single mom, and she’s….on and on…ad nauseum. So, with other women (and men) who are dealing with people like this, why is there no more said about it or done about it to help these people? I can go to counseling, and I will – to learn how to cope in spite of him, but, even if I left, he’d be stuck with his problem, and no one who would care to help him get better, and enjoy the last half of our lives together! He is going to retire this year…what the devil do I do with him then?! Seriously, I want to help, but all I see out there is “what is wrong, what it means to be a narcissist.” No one seems to have any really good answers! Are you going to be addressing this subject? The subject of narcissism and the other personality disorders which exist comorbidly with it? I would sincerely be interested in learning whatever I can to help this man! He’s worth it, but even HE doesn’t know that!

   Thanks,
   Judie